The B2B Supermarket
A screenplay by Joe Stanganelli
(As someone with screenwriting aspirations, I thought I’d share my latest script in today’s B2BS letter. Enjoy. -JS)
FADE IN
INT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
A busy, bustling Entire Foods supermarket, teeming with SHOPPERS. The MANAGER stacks Amazon return packages behind the customer-service desk.
The phone RINGS. The manager picks up the phone and answers.
MANAGER: Entire Foods, Anywhere, USA. How can I help you?
INT. CALLER’S HOME OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
The CALLER is sitting at their desk in their home office, talking on their latest-generation iPhone to the manager while looking at their laptop.
CALLER: Hi, do you do groceries?
INTERCUT – PHONE CONVERSATION
MANAGER: ...Yes. We have groceries.
CALLER: Great. I was interested in talking to you about doing some groceries.
MANAGER: ...Doing some groceries?
CALLER: Well, yeah. I’m looking for someone who can do strong, delicious, healthy groceries for me. Stuff that I can cook, eat, feed to my family, reheat the next night for leftovers, and snack on all day. I want groceries that will nourish me to be a leader among CrossFit athletes and Michelin-star chefs, so I need a grocery store that specializes in athletic performance, fine dining, tire companies, et cetera.
MANAGER: (pause) Okay. We do have groceries.
CALLER: What kind of groceries do you do?
MANAGER: We have... all kinds, pretty much. Is there something specific you were looking for?
CALLER: Well, why don’t you start by telling me what it is that you sell.
MANAGER: (beat) Groceries.
CALLER: Do you do produce?
MANAGER: Yes. Do you want me to connect you to our produce department?
CALLER: Well, I don’t know yet. Who do you normally sell groceries to?
MANAGER: I... I don’t understand what you’re asking.
CALLER: What kind of people?
MANAGER: What kind of people...?
CALLER: Yes.
MANAGER: Do we sell... Groceries. To.
CALLER: Yes.
MANAGER: We sell groceries to everybody. Everybody is welcome here.
CALLER: Does your company work with athletes?
MANAGER: ...Our company sells groceries to everybody. So, yes.
CALLER: Who are some of the people you’ve done groceries for?
MANAGER: ...I... Are you asking me to identify our customers?
CALLER: Yes.
MANAGER: We don’t share that information.
CALLER: Oh, why not?
MANAGER: ...Because I don’t have a list of our customers. And I wouldn’t give you that information even if I did.
CALLER: Well, how can I see your work?
MANAGER: (beat) Excuse me?
CALLER: Your grocery work. Where can I see that? I’d like to get an idea of the groceries you do. Do you have any samples?
MANAGER: You... can just come down to the store. Our address is 123 Main Street. We’re actually giving away free samples of EezeeGrains-brand muffins today from 2pm to 4pm.
CALLER: Oh, okay. Cool. Cool. I’ll check that out.
MANAGER: (relieved) Great. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CALLER: Yeah... So let me tell you about where I’m coming from here. I just remodeled my kitchen in 2020. We bootstrapped the funding. I used to work in the tile industry, so I wanted to make sure that I got everything right before relying on outside investment. We’ve grown very fast since then – adding three new people to the household: two babies, along with my mother-in-law, who can’t live alone anymore ever since we had a scare when she fell down the stairs last year. Our revenue’s increased 2x thanks to a couple of promotions at work along with switching financial planners to this guy my friend at work uses; he got us into NVIDIA pretty heavily. Speaking of which, we actually do a lot with AI here. I just looked up a recipe for stuffed mushrooms on Claude last night for our latest AI initiative. But we’re going to need a lot more grocery support over the next couple of years so we can make the most of our AI efforts. We’re hoping to sell our house in five or six years so we can move to Sedona, and we’re looking to get a billion-dollar valuation on the house. Remodeling the kitchen was a good start, but we just need more people to know about the kind of things we do here, and that starts with the groceries we bring into this house to cook and eat. That’s why it’s very important that we find someone to work with who can support fit people who work out a lot. I actually come from a personal-training background, and I started CrossFitting 10 or 12 years ago. That allowed me to build my biceps, my triceps, my delts, my traps, my quads, my glutes, my hams, my pecs, and really just my entire core – as well as my overall stamina and endurance. So I’m very good at eating groceries – because I have to be, because you can’t build muscles without eating enough food. But it has to be the right food. I’ve worked with a lot of different grocery suppliers over the years, including Alfredson’s, Privatz, Croakers, and Buyer Jen’s. Also, I worked at a Hoggly Woggly early in my career, so I understand the industry and what it is you do from a first-hand perspective. And all that is why I was chosen to lead this household as we seek a billion-dollar valuation on our house. But to do that, we’re going to need a strong grocery engine, and we’re in the early stages of setting that up as part of our go-to-supermarket strategy. How’s all of that sound to you?
MANAGER: (small pause; flat) That sounds great.
CALLER: Great. Now how much do you charge?
MANAGER: (beat) How much do we charge... for... what?
CALLER: How much do you charge for groceries?
MANAGER: Oh. What do you want to know the price of?
CALLER: Everything.
MANAGER: Everything.
CALLER: Yeah. Just in general. What are your rates?
MANAGER: ...I... I don’t know how to answer that question.
CALLER: You can’t tell me your rates?
MANAGER: ...All our groceries have different prices.
CALLER: Okay, so send me a rate sheet.
MANAGER: A rate sheet?
CALLER: Yeah. With all your groceries.
MANAGER: You want me to send you a list of all our groceries and all the prices.
CALLER: Yeah, that’d be great.
MANAGER: I’m sorry, I don’t have that. We have a weekly flyer. But that just has the sales and specials. You can also go on our website to search by product. But if you tell me exactly what it is that you’re looking for, I’m happy to tell you what it would cost.
CALLER: Nah, nah, nah. I’m just looking to understand your typical rates.
MANAGER: I... Like I said, I’d need to know what you want to buy. Do you know what you want?
CALLER: Well, look, groceries are really expensive, and we’re cash-strapped at the moment because we’re putting in a gold swimming pool next month to match the one at our summer home in the Hamptons. Or our winter home in Seychelles. I can’t remember. One of those. So I’m afraid to make a big commitment right now. We’re on a budget.
MANAGER: Okay. So what’s your budget?
CALLER: We don’t have a defined budget right now. Can you share some options?
MANAGER: Some options?
CALLER: Yeah. Along with your rates.
MANAGER: (runs hand through hair) I told you, I can tell you what it would cost if you tell me exactly what you want to buy. But if you’re looking to stay within a budget and you can give me some general idea of what it is that you want, I can make some suggestions if it would get you off the phone faste— I mean, if it would help.
CALLER: Yeah, so what are your rates?
MANAGER: Again, I can’t really answer that. What’s your budget?
CALLER: What are your rates?
MANAGER: (truly testy) What’s your budget?
CALLER: What are your rates?
MANAGER: What’s; Your; Budget?
CALLER: Okay, what do other people spend when they get groceries from you?
MANAGER: What do other pe— Are you out of your fuc— (deep breath) They spend whatever it is that their groceries cost.
CALLER: And how much do groceries cost?
MANAGER: I’m sorry, did you just ask me how much groceries cost?
CALLER: Yeah.
The manager pinches the bridge of their nose with their non-phone hand, squeezing their eyes shut, as if trying to psionically will away the oncoming migraine.
MANAGER: Our cheapest item is probably bananas, at 50 cents a pound – so probably about 20 cents each. The most expensive item is probably a tin of caviar for $79.99. Everything else we sell falls somewhere between those price points.
CALLER: Okay. Okay. Let me take a moment to think about that.
MANAGER: (flat) Sure.
Pause.
CALLER: Okay, great. I want everything you have.
MANAGER: Everything we have?
CALLER: Yes. Everything you have in stock today.
MANAGER: You want everything we have in stock today.
CALLER: That’s right.
MANAGER: Like... One of each item?
CALLER: No. Your entire stock. I want to send somebody down there today with a refrigerated truck and buy out every single sellable item you have in stock. Can you give me a quote for that?
MANAGER: (beat) Are you serious?
CALLER: As a heart attack.
MANAGER: I thought you said you were cash-strapped.
CALLER: Getting this done is really high-priority for us. I’d love to have you give me a proposal for how you can support our grocery strategy.
MANAGER: (shrugs) Okay, give me a second.
CALLER: Take your time.
The manager takes out a calculator and taps some buttons.
MANAGER: Okay, if you get the truck here before five o’clock, I can sell you everything for $2.4 million. I can even have my staff help you load the truck.
Silence.
MANAGER: Hello?
Still silence.
MANAGER: Hello? Are you there?
Continued silence.
MANAGER: Can you hear me? Did I lose you?
More silence.
MANAGER: Hello?
Silence.
The manager makes to hang up the phone until:
CALLER: Hi, my apologies for the delay in responding. Things have been really busy here as we’ve been focused on improving our operational processes. Thank you very much for the proposal. That’s a little bit more than we’re looking to spend right now.
MANAGER: So then what are you looking to spend?
CALLER: Well, we’re definitely interested in all the things you’ve had to say, and I’d love to discuss potential ways we can collaborate. We’d love to get you in here later this week for some test groceries.
MANAGER: Wait. “Some test groceries”?
CALLER: Yeah, so we can just try you out and see if it’s a fit.
MANAGER: What are “test groceries”?
CALLER: Sure. We’ll have you come in and deliver some ribeye, some chicken cutlets, some balsamic vinegar, some coconut oil, some macadamia nuts, some almond flour, some milk, some ice cream, some eggs, maybe a few other things.
MANAGER: Oh. So you want to place a delivery order.
CALLER: No. It’s a test. We just want you to give us the groceries.
MANAGER: Give you the groceries.
CALLER: Yes.
MANAGER: For free.
CALLER: Well, yes. It’s a test.
MANAGER: We don’t do that.
CALLER: ...It’s a standard test.
MANAGER: And we don’t do that. If you want to try the EezeeGrain muffins, you can come down between 2pm and 4pm today for a free sample, but we don’t just give away groceries.
CALLER: You don’t?
MANAGER: No. We don’t.
CALLER: Oh.
MANAGER: So what do you want to do? Do you want to buy something, or what?
CALLER: We’re going to be having a family meeting later this week, but candidly, it’s a bit soon in our process right now to be making any purchasing decisions. We still don’t have a refrigerator, so we’re deep in our RFP process with appliance vendors. That’s where our priorities lie right now. But I’ll keep you posted on when or if that changes. Thank you.
The caller hangs up.
END INTERCUT
The manager looks at the phone receiver, then sighs, hangs up the phone, and looks up.
MANAGER’S POV
The supermarket is extremely busy. Despite CASHIERS and BAGGERS staffing almost every lane, each checkout line is at least three SHOPPERS long.
In the lane closest to the manager, the last shopper in line is a YOUNG WOMAN carrying just a few items in a handheld basket.
BACK TO SCENE
MANAGER: (to young woman) Miss?
The young woman looks up at the manager.
MANAGER: I can take you over here.
YOUNG WOMAN: (smiling) Okay. Thanks.
The young woman approaches the manager and places her groceries on the customer service desk. She stares at her phone and taps away on it as the manager rings her up and bags her groceries.
MANAGER: (upon finishing) That’ll be $38.77.
The young woman takes a credit card out of her pocket and uses it to pay. The manager finishes the transaction and hands the young woman a receipt as she puts her credit card away.
MANAGER: Have a nice day.
YOUNG WOMAN: Thanks.
The young woman leaves. The manager looks off into space and smiles.
No sooner does the young woman exit the store than the phone RINGS. The manager answers.
MANAGER: Entire Foods, Anywhere, USA. How can I help you?
INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
A SECOND CALLER, different from the first, is standing in their kitchen, talking on a latest-generation iPhone.
SECOND CALLER: Hi, do you do groceries?
INT. SUPERMARKET – CONTINUOUS
The manager’s expression collapses. The manager pinches the bridge of their nose and squeezes their eyes shut again.
SECOND CALLER (V.O.): Hello? ...I need someone who can do groceries for marathon runners with a house valuation of over—
The manager hangs up the phone.
Then the manager looks up toward the checkout lines again and gestures to someone offscreen.
MANAGER: Sir? I can take you over here.
FADE OUT
THE END
If any of this work of fiction somehow rings true to life for you, or if you think your own experience tops this, let me know in the comments or send me a message. And please subscribe (or pledge your support) so you don’t miss the next B2BS! -JS